How to Recession Proof Your Life

All this bailout money and I still don't have a job. CEOs are collecting bonuses and people are still sitting home with salty balls. Since I predict it will be a while before anybody gets a job especially those of us with BA degrees fresh out of college or graduating, here are a few tips on how to save some green. 

Finance:

• With so many banks going under and not even the Secretary of Treasury knowing where the bailout money is, your best bet is to put your money in a shoe box or in the mattress. (Just like you did when you had that outdoor night job that didn't need references or a drug test.)
• Invest in your community. Crack, liquor, cocaine are always hot commodities when times are hard or are getting worst. If anything you might be first to go back to full-time work as a result. 
• Become a "people person." Recruit and connect people in the community with one another for a fee. Letting your location be known can lower the value of what you have to offer. However, keeping it on the low-low can increase the value of your services, i.e.: special full body massages and tea bag nourishment.

Relationship/ Love Life:

• Replace condoms with the rhythm method. You will save on average approximately $30 per week (depending on how much ass you get). *
• Replace KY Jelly with household organic lubricants such as vaseline, baby oil. Want to try something new and tasty, give your favorite canola, peanut or even olive oil a try. Let her know you want to do your part for the environment and you're going GREEN.
• Stop smashing your side chick(s) in the car, you're wasting gas. Tell her you love her so you can go to her house.

Grocery:

• Steal... ahem obtain condiment packets from various locations, you visit daily. (Besides they use Heinz at McDonalds, much  better than that Krasdale ketchup you got in the fridge)
• Get napkins, utensils and whatever else you can while you're there.
• Go grocery shopping during lunch or dinner to get a healthy meal full of variety with the array of sample foods the supermarket has to offer. (Who doesn't like a free meal.)

I know some of you have been doing this for years so don't be embarrassed, your hard work will pay off. 

**Nia-Raquelle**

*****Disclaimer***** if for some reason you should become pregnant or get somebody pregnant from the pull out method, I'm not responsible. Think about it  like this, your baby has just gotten a "scholarship" from the government that includes money for food (WIC, EBT), housing (Section 8) and healthcare (medicaid). Sounds like you're balling. I see you big spender.